By By
by Bright Eyes
Summary: Yes this is a Relena basher only I put a lot of work into it and know you'll like it if you'll just read it PLeeeeeez


Ok, this is my first gundam fic and it totally goes outside the storyline but that's ok cuz this is just a sort of dream buried deep with in my soul. (Cheesy, huh?) All of you who love Relena Peacecraft are going to hate me just a little at least when this story is finished (don't hate me Stephanie, I only spoke my opinion). Anyway, I own nothing but this computer, a house, the clothes on my back, a dog, and lots of other shit (Gundamwing not included). So lets begin a dream of large and very strange proportions.

**_Bu By_**

"You want to kill me! But why Heero?" asked Relena, a look of astonishment on her face at the sight of the gun pointed at her.

" Because you annoy the hell outta me, you stalk me, you wanna end wars, you annoy the guys-"

"I do not annoy the guys! Do I boys? " Relena cast a searching stare at the four pilots and her brother clumped together in a corner of the room behind Heero. Milliardo looked guilty, Duo sleepy, Quatre sorrowful, Trowa looked like... Trowa (he doesn't really have a personality does he?), and Wufei just looked hateful as always. " Please Heero put the gun down I already know that my brother and your friends wouldn't let you do this. At that moment Duo happened to cough and Milliardo found his shoes very interesting to stare at.

" Relena, this wouldn't be happening if you had simply left me, no all of us, alone. Now all we want is your death and an end to the misery."

" Brother, you can't let them do this to me? Doesn't it matter at all to you that we are related?"

" Um yah that's the thing," said the Lightening Baron, looking up for the first time in five minutes. " You see, Noin's sick of baby sitting you and she says she's gonna leave me unless I go out and get a real job. Duo offered me a job at the garage but that pissed her off a little more and she almost cut off my hair! So yah, I didn't want to, but Noin keeps on insisting so I'm gonna have to take the throne so we can afford that new condo on the beach and that doesn't exactly include you."

"But, we're related!!!!" said Relena in disbelief.

"And she's my girlfriend. What's the point? I've known her longer."

" I can't believe this!" Relena exclaimed, fixing a hard stare on her brother " It's pretty pathetic that I can rely on these guys whom I hardly know more than my own flesh and blood." 

Wufei's sniggering brought Relena out of her reprimanding Zechs, who was listening to her while at the same time opening a brief case and looking at different brochures of houses on the shores of Tahiti, the Bahamas, and even Cancun. 

" Might I ask just what's so funny?" said Relena tartly.

" No." This answer made Relena angry. How dare this lowly gundam pilot not give her, the queen of the goddamn world and a few colonies, a straight answer? 

" And may I ask why not?" said Relena trying to keep her temper in check.

"No." That was beyond infuriating. It was all Relena could take. Wufei must have seen her face burning with anger for the smile returned to his face and he finally began to speak.

" Yes, now you know how I feel about the fact that Heero gets to kill you and not me, about how Treize was killed before I could murder that little man whore, that I have to look at your face almost everyday due to TV and the multitude of speeches you must have televised! You now know the true feeling of injustice! How do you like it huh? " At this point Wufei had a maniacal look in his eye which gave evidence to the fact that he was probably to crazy or stoned to help her. " For me justice has been restored! Yah baby!" but suddenly the jubilant look on his face disappeared. " Wait a minute," Wufei said, " A woman rid my world of injustice... A woman! Where is the justice in that ?!!" Wufei's face was getting red and Relena did not want to think of what was going to happen next. Then, all of a sudden, a hand was on Wufei's shoulder and Duo's voice was heard gently calming the Chinese pilot.

" Easy there, Wu-man, it's ok. There will be plenty of justice when this is all done cuz blondie will be king and he'll get you and Sally a nice condo in the Bahamas." 

" But I _snif_" wanna live in New Zealand. " his lips got a little pouty and he had on a puppy dog-face to die for.

" Well who could resist you like that. If you want New Zealand you'll get it." said Duo in a baby tone and lightly touched the tip of Wufei's nose before turning around to see a startled Zechs looking at him.

" What?" Duo asked, " You are gonna give Wu-man a condo aren't you? You wouldn't want to make Wufei sad would you?" 

" Just a condo? He can have a whole frickin island if he wants." said Zechs, grabbing some of his hair as he watched Wufei make snipping motions with his fingers.

" If you are all done, I'd appreciate one of you three," she motioned to Duo, (though after what he just said she didn't think he really qualifies) Quatre, and Trowa. " Trying to talk some sense into my Heero. Come on Quatre you have always been so good and compassionate you wouldn't let me die."

" He only killed his own daddy." Duo whispered in Trowa's ear. 

" Your Highness," said Quatre who then heard Zechs cough somewhat loudly in the background " What? She's not dead yet so be patient and stop giving us blondes a bad name. Ahem... I mean... Relena I'm sorry but-"

" My god! You and your damn apologies can go to hell! Just tell her you hate her so we can too and then the blonde will give us money and I'll be basking in the sun surrounded by beautiful women at Cancun College!" Duo said loudly as if the world were meant to serve him.

" Cancun college?" asked Quatre and Duo gave him a shameless grin. " No, I don't think I want to know. Now you and Zechs be patient cuz you're giving long- haired people a bad name. Now if you would be most kind I will now give my reasons for wanting her death, thank you," With that Quatre turned and began to address Relena.

" Now, Relena what you don't realize is that... what is that damn American doing?" At that moment Duo, who had been making obscene gestures behind Quatre's back, suddenly became engrossed in the island maps that Zechs had just produced from the briefcase. Quatre looked at Duo's back angrily for a moment before he again turned to Relena and started to talk again.

" As I was saying, Relena, do you ever realize how much your words can hurt others?" Though he could hear sniggers coming from more than one person behind him he decided to ignore them and continue on. " I didn't appreciate you making fun of my clothes. Maybe I like purple. Did that ever occur to you? Have you got any idea how tortured I was when you made fun of my-my-my being a test tube baby?! As far as I'm concerned... what is he doing this time?" Quatre could now here the very audible laughter coming from behind him and Relena was trying to suppress a smile. Little did he know that Duo had grabbed one of the maps and on the back had written ' Hello, my name's Quatre, I'm an alcoholic... I think I need a hug now.' Quatre turned around abruptly, so much so that Duo didn't have time to look innocent.

" Quatre... um... yah I feel your pain. Test tube babies rock, man!" While saying this he tried to hide the map behind his back. All Quatre did was stand there and glare at him a moment.

" I see you have no respect for my feelings either maybe it should be you standing there instead of her." at this Relena began nodding her head vigorously behind him. " And will you give me that!" came Quatre's exasperated voice as he snatched the map out of Duo's grubby little hands. Quatre unfolded the map and read it before an indignant look came upon his face. " An alcoholic?!! I'll have you know I'm a Muslim!" Quatre put his hand to his chest for emphasis and gave a horrified gasp when his hand came away and there was an ugly black stain on his newly dry cleaned purple vest. 

" What the fuckin hell is this shit." yelled Quatre, now ready to explode and bring his wrath down upon all present. 

" Well um... you see.... I didn't exactly have a pen so..." Duo trailed off and the look on his face said very clearly that he was a little afraid to go on.

" So you what, Duo?" said Quatre in a deadly tone that said Duo had better speak up quickly if he wanted to see tomorrow.

" Well I didn't have a pen so I used a stick.... dipped in car oil."

"Car oil?!!!" 

" Yah I usually have a can or two on hand so I figured I'd use it. I didn't think you were stupid enough to touch the crap." At that moment Quatre was shaking and his fists were clenched tightly at his sides to the point that his knuckles were white. Everyone, even Wufei, started backing up afraid of what he was gonna do. Finally, Trowa walked over and put a reassuring hand on Quatre's shoulder and started rubbing his back in an attempt to calm the small Arabian. Quatre's muscles eventually relaxed and he looked at Trowa gratefully for a moment before saying. " Ok, I'm calm but I need some me time so I'm gonna sit in the corner over there away from that... that thing!" His eyes flashed angrily for a moment and then he was back to normal again.

" Trowa, I think you should go next. " and with that Quatre walked behind Heero to where the others were. 

" I wonder if you remind him of his daddy." Wufei said.

" That was just like '_Carrie' _I thought he was gonna kill us all. " Zechs replied, 

"You can never be too sure with that guy." Duo said, shaking his head.

Trowa, meanwhile, had walked forward to where Relena was standing.

" Yes, Trowa? What reason do you have?" 

"........" Relena's face became slightly red with the rekindling of her anger.

" What the hell is your problem?"

"........" 

" Answer me damn you!"

" That's enough." Heero said firmly. Everyone looked up, surprised to hear his voice after such a long silence.

" So you are alive?" said Duo.

" No fair! I want Wing Zero!" Zechs whined. Everyone looked at him in surprise.

" What?" Zechs asked, " You'd be angry too if a bunch of little kid upstarts decided to take over your place as the perfect soldier and got great gundams and all you got was a crappy suit like Talgese and then your girlfriend decides she wants money. Later on you realize your sister's a whore" Relena looked up sharply at him anger written all over her face. " Oh yah, you're still here huh? Uh...sorry." Relena's face remained hard but by then Zechs was again looking over maps and plots with Wufei so he didn't notice her really.

" As for you," said Quatre, the coldness rising in his voice again " I would appreciate if you would guard the way you talk to Trowa and all of us, well, all of us other than Duo." An indignant noise came from Duo and Quatre smiled inwardly to himself. " I almost forgot, Trowa needs an interpreter, so I guess I'll do it seeing as they're busy with maps and Heero's once again a petrified rock." A small grunt came from Heero but that was it. " All right Trowa go ahead I'll let her know what you mean."

"....."

" No problem."

" This is ridiculous." said Relena.

".............."

" He says so is your face but we're not complaining."

" He did not!"

" Yes, he did. Right guys?" the four all grunted and went back to what they were doing 

" That's what I thought now Trowa speak."

"........"

" He says you made too much fun of his being a clown."

" Well it isn't the greatest profession."

"........."

" Neither is chasing sadistic gundam pilots and being delusional enough to think you can rule the world."

" You're stupid."

"........"

" He says ' And you're a woman?"

" Hey, watch it!" Zechs said," Noin told me to tape record this and sexism will not be taken lightly."

"................................................................."

" He says he's sorry."

" Forget my traitorous brother, is there anything else you have to say, Trowa?"

"...."

" He says-" Quatre suddenly cut off and his face turned bright red. All the gundam pilots were looking at Trowa in shock and Duo had a smile playing across his face. Zechs, being the only one other than Relena who couldn't understand, Trowa was looking at them all with a puzzled expression on his face.

" What did he say?" asked Zechs.

" Not sayin" said Duo.

" I'm buying a lot of stuff for you guys. You better believe you're telling me!

" Ok, Ok, gosh, don't get you're boxers in a bunch! He says that he can never forgive anyone that caused so much pain for his pooky bear."

Relena and Zechs sat there with looks of astonishment on there faces. Quatre meanwhile walked over to Trowa and gave him a hug.

" Thank you Trowa that means a lot to me."

"......" this elicited a few perverted looks between Duo and Wufei and made Quatre blush more. " Maybe later" was all he said.

Now Duo was the only one left to express his complaints. He strode forward taking his place in front of Relena looking down imperiously at her.

" I'm sure you have plenty to say considering how testy you've been through this whole ordeal. So what is it this time I'm too stuck up for you? I hurt your feelings I cause you injustice?!! Oh I can't wait to hear this one. So what is it this time!!!"

" Nothing."

"Come again?"

" Nothing, I don't hate you, I just wanna go to Cancun college."

Words can not describe the look of disbelief that came upon Relena's face."

"Cancun College? My life is to be sacrificed so you and only you can go to a party school?!!"

"Not really," interrupted Quatre, "you see, me and Trowa have been discussing it and we think we want to go to Tahiti Tech."

" You are all just a bunch of self absorbed pigs! Do you hear me?!! Pigs!

".........." All the guys started laughing at this.

" What's so funny?!!" asked Relena who looked ready to blow fire.

" Oh nothing he just says he wouldn't be calling us pigs Miss Thunder thighs.

" That's it I've had it up to here with all of you! Wufei you and your justice can go to hell! Test tube babies can go to hell!" this earned a whimper from Quatre and a pissed off look from Trowa, " As far as I'm concerned clowns suck too! And for you Duo you are the most self absorbed, calling yourself the shinigami when most likely the only thing you use that scyth for is fucking yourself. Don't you dare look down oh sweet brother as far as you go all I can say is you suck and I have better hair than you."

" Nah ah!" said a deeply offended Zechs " Yours is beyond plain and your bangs suck!"

" The man's gotta point!" piped in Duo " hell your butt ugly and he's well look at him I ain't yaoi but I can spot a looker when I see one." Zechs turned a little red and took a step or two away from Duo which just made the American grin.

" Oh I don't have time for you!" said Relena " All I can say is you suck and your girlfriends ugly!" 

" Whatever you say Wide Ride" said Zechs with a cool and amused smile. It was actually quite humorous for all of them to see her this worked up to the point where they almost forgot how frickin annoying she was...almost.

" Heero please I love you." said Relena in a voice so sweet it was almost inconcievable to think that she had just been cussing like a sailor a few seconds ago.

"No"

" Well fuck you too you bastard. You were a crappy boyfriend anyway!"

" I was never your boyfriend you just follow me around."

" You were so cheap I can't believe you took me to Cocos on our anniversary!"

" Anniversary? I thought it was just your birthday. Besides you are far from a picnic and at least I know that when I blow you away I'll never have to hear you complain about my spandex which I do happen to like or have to worry about unwanted hands on my package-"

" I was right she is a whore!" said Zechs.

" Yes now shut up baka!"

" Whatever" said Zechs with a toss of his gorgeous silvery hair.

" Hey cool trick!" said Duo trying to do the same with his braid.

" No my friend it needs to be unbound I'll explain everything later."

" If you are done I would like to get on with this." said Heero in a deadly tone.

" I'm done if you are." said Duo.

" Um.... yah I'm done now take out my sister I'm hungry." said Zechs tossing his magnificent mane one last time. This time even Heero was captivated. He'd have to ask later just what shampoo Zechs used. Meanwhile Duo started feeling jealous and reminded them of the task at hand.

" Oh yah," they all said in unison and looked toward Relena but she wasn't there.

" Hey where'd she go?" asked Wufei just in time for them to hear a loud crash from outside. They all ran out of the hanger and found Zechs cherry red mustang crashed into a tree. Heero ran into the car and pulled out what was left of Relena's mangled body.

" She's dead," said Heero.

" Nooooooooooo!!!!!" yelled Zechs in utter anguish.

" Oh my, Zechs you really did love your little sister huh?" said Quatre.

" No! The stupid whore got blood all over the upholstery!"

" Bitch." can a soft and unfamiliar voice. They all turned to see who it was and saw Trowa standing there.

" Trowa, was that you?" asked Quatre in astonishment. Trowa merely nodded yes.

" I think this calls for a celebration!" yelled Duo " the bitch is dead and Trowa said a beautiful word. Let's go to that new club in town Blondie's buying."

" Only if you do it." said Zechs with a small smile.

" Do I have to?" whined Duo. Zechs simply nodded in reply.

" All right" said Duo getting on his knees " All hail to you Zechs Merquise prince of shampoo and king of the world with flowing locks of golden hair touched by an angels kiss. My hair is shit compared to yours and braids are for girls and wanna be Indians"

" Thank you and enjoy Cancun college. As for the rest of you let me get this straight. Wufei wants New Zealand, Trowa and Quatre go to Tahiti Tech and Heero...what did you want Heero?"

" To kill your sister." said Heero flatly. Zechs gave him an apologetic look and a pat on the shoulder then they were all crawling into the blood stained and crunched up mustang and on their way to the club. In the back seat Heero asked Duo something.

" So Duo did you really mean what you said?"

" What that I didn't hate Relena?"

" No baka! That Zechs' hair was better?"

" Yah in truth it really is...for now that is but lets just say that scythe will most definitely be put to good use and before you know it my chestnut locks will once again rule the shampoo kiingdom. For now though, there's this one girl I think you should meet...."

And with that they drove off to begin their exotic Relenaless lives and live happily ever after.

The End

I know that was long and only Relena bashers or people who like seeing the gundam pilots portrayed so stupidly will truly appreciate this. I don't care how many flames I get though cuz I enjoyed writing this and nothing you say will ever erase the memory of that euphoric bliss I got from writing this. To those of you who liked it, Thanks I'm glad you liked it and hopefully you'll have time to read some more of my stories in the future. For those of you who don't like it Sorry, life sucks so get over it. For christ sake it's just a story! Anyway seeya and if you're reeeelly nice you'll R/R. ^_^


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